spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
