This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
