I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
