omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
