U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
