Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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