i think my tv is drunk
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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