your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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