Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
