I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
