You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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