I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
