I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
