Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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