I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
