I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
