There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
not ubering you a puppy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize