bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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