But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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