Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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