why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
