hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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