if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
