her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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