If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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