Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
