I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
