a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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