She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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