i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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