The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
