my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
