News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize