make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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