i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The air was thick with penises
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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