I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize