I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
