She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
