you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
