i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
