Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize