grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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