Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
