I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
