where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
