Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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