I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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