No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
