I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
