i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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