Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
