ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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