Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
