I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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