You work out of a Hotel?
high people should be assigned attendants
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
