he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
