Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
