I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize