I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
