he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
