first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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