heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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