So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
