I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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