just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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