this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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