Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
