Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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