sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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