if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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