Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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