My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
