Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
