I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
