look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
